6057 lines
174 KiB
Plaintext
6057 lines
174 KiB
Plaintext
East Great Falls High
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by
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Adam Herz
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WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98
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NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
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AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
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THIS SOFT COPY.
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INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
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PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
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shirts...pants...socks...and hear
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.
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JIM (O.S.)
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Yeah, I'm the best, baby.
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Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
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appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
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and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
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glimpses of what looks like --
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JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
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...oh -- that was a tit, tits...
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As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
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possible to watch the pay channels while they're
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scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in
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the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
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short, horny.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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Give it to me! Yes!
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JIM
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Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.
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Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
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We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
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to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
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model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
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section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
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"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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Don't you love my sexy body?!
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JIM
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I do, baby, I do.
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He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
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the floor.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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You're so big!
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JIM
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Yeah, that's right.
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PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
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(deep macho voice)
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Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!
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Jim is thrown off.
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PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
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Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!
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JIM
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Man, shut up!
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Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
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which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers
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himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's
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oblivious to his doings.
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JIM'S MOM
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Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
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sweet dreams.
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JIM
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Yep, okay Mom, 'night.
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JIM'S MOM
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(leans in to Jim)
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Kiss goodnight.
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Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
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She turns to leave, and notices the TV.
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JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
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Is something wrong with the reception?
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JIM
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Yeah. Damn cable. There's this
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nature show that I'm trying to watch.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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Fuck me! Yes!
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JIM
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Uh...
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He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
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but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!
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Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.
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JIM
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(choking)
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Must...be...broken...
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JIM'S DAD enters.
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JIM'S DAD
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What the heck is this?
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JIM
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Nothing!
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JIM'S MOM
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I think he's trying to watch one of
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the illegal channels.
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JIM
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Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!
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They're pay channels. How could a
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television channel be illegal?! God,
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get a clue!
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JIM'S DAD
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James, don't speak that way to your
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mother!
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PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
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Play with my hairy balls!
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JIM'S DAD
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Turn that garbage off! Give me that!
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Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
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pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed
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aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
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shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.
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JIM'S MOM
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Oh my God!
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JIM'S DAD
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Honey, why don't you let me handle this
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one.
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He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
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half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,
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strained beat.
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JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
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Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
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son, I'll buy you some dirty
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magazines.
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Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,
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humiliated.
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PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
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Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!
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EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY
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We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
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"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
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To Be"
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EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY
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The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
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He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
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senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
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She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
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"Vanderbilt" return address on it.
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KEVIN
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It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
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You got in.
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VICKY
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You think so?
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She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various
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forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.
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KEVIN
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"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but
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after keeping you on the wait list for
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the past couple months, we've decided
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you are now rejected. Enclosed is a
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100-page, full-color brochure on how
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rejected you are."
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VICKY
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Kevin, this is serious!
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KEVIN
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You got in.
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Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
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concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
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hug.
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VICKY
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I love you!
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She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
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almost perfunctorily returning the hug.
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EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING
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Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
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senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball
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in a lacrosse stick.
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OZ
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Illegal channels? Shit, if there's
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any channel that should be illegal,
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it's whatever that women's channel is.
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Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
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shit.
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JIM
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Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
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Mermaid on TV the other night? That
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Ariel, whew.
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OZ
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She's a mermaid, dude.
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JIM
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(trumping him)
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Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
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OZ
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She's a cartoon, dude.
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JIM
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A hot cartoon.
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OZ
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Is there anything you don't jerk off
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to?
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JIM
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C-Span?
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INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
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Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
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bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
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again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.
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KEVIN
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Then she said -- she loves me.
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OZ
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Oh shit dude, the L-word!
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JIM
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And you said...
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KEVIN
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Nothing, I just hugged her back.
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JIM
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You think she was serious?
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KEVIN
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I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
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like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
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you Vanderbilt."
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OZ
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Just don't bring it up, hang low,
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maybe she won't mention it again.
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INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
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The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
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which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.
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MICHELLE
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And what we should do today, in band?
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Instead of playing our instruments
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regularly? We should play them
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backwards! That'll be so funny!
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The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
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to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys
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shudder.
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OZ
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(to Jim)
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You guys got the Latin homework?
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JIM
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No -- Kevin, you?
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KEVIN
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(offended)
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Please.
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(then)
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We're all golden, we're college bound.
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I figured it out -- I can get a c-
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minus in every class, and it's not
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gonna make a difference. U of M, here
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I come.
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INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY
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Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
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a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.
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VICKY
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Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
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JESSICA
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Yeah right.
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VICKY
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What? We both have cars.
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JESSICA
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Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
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about a post-high school, long-
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distance relationship, and you and
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Kevin haven't even done it yet.
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VICKY
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That's not why we're going out.
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JESSICA
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What the hell are you expecting him to
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drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
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cookies?
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VICKY
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Jessica! He'll drive there for me,
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and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
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We're going to have sex when he's
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ready and I'm ready. It's got to be
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completely perfect. I want the right
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place, the right time, the right
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moment.
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JESSICA
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Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
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launch, it's sex. So did you do the
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physics write-up?
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VICKY
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(offended, a la Kevin)
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Please.
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INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
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Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
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PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.
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JIM
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There's our man.
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KEVIN
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Finch, you got the Latin homework?
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FINCH
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Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.
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The guys keep staring. A beat.
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KEVIN
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Whatever.
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Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz
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is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
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maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part
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of the group.
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STIFLER
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(yelling)
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NOVA!!
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OZ
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Stifler!!
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Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
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hug.
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STIFLER
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You coming to party tonight,
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Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
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OZ
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Depends if my date wants to stop by.
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STIFLER
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That junior chick?
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OZ
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Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm
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working on something new.
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STIFLER
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Yeah right. I got an idea for
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something new. How 'bout you guys
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actually locate your dicks, remove the
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shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
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OZ
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Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
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college chick!
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STIFLER
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Bullshit. From where?
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OZ
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She works part-time at my dad's store.
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STIFLER
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Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
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your dad works at her store.
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OZ
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Dude, he does not.
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KEVIN
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Really, Stifler. He's the manager.
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Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.
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STIFLER
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Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm
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fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong
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or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
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some serious shit to master.
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Oz musters a little LAUGH.
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KEVIN
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(half-joking)
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Stifler, you're such an asshole.
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STIFLER
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Meyers, what's the deal with you and
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Vicky, anyway? You've been going out
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since Homecoming and all she'll do is
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blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a
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steaming turd.
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FINCH
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Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
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stool?
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STIFLER
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(momentarily puzzled)
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I do when I'm throwing them at your
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mom, you damn freak.
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(then)
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Alright then, see you guys tonight.
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I'll look for you in the No Fucking
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section.
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The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
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comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
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off.
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INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
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Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a
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tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
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his cell phone, traveling down a California road.
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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You called me to ask me how to get laid?
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KEVIN
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What was I gonna do, call dad? I
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don't even know his number.
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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Just dial 976-Asshole.
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KEVIN
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Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
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might have some advice, brother to
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brother. I mean, I think tonight she
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might, we might really, there's a
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chance that -- you know.
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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Have you ever heard of the bible?
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KEVIN
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What? Not the Bible?
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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Well, that's not really the name, but
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we always called it that.
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KEVIN
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Does it tell me how to get laid?
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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You know what, nevermind. You're not
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ready.
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KEVIN
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Ready for what?
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KEVIN'S BROTHER
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Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck
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at that party.
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INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
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A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,
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CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
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table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with
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condiments.
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KEVIN
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You ever hear of something called The
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Bible?
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OZ
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Once, in church, dude.
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Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
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Weekly.
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JIM
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Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive
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SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
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seeks outgoing companion."
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Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
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OZ
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"Fun loving" -- insane.
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KEVIN
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Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
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equals old.
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JIM
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No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is
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really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.
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FINCH
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Perhaps you should consider actually
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answering an ad.
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JIM
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Finch, you can be the one to date a
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nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
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damn imitation hot dog.
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FINCH
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("for the hundredth time")
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This is no imitation. Removing the
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hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
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better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no
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dog.
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Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's
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all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.
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KEVIN
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(checks his watch)
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Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
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o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five
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after.
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JIM
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You can crash at Stifler's?
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KEVIN
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It's all good.
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(He pulls out some gum)
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Breath check.
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He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
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skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
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Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.
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OZ
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(repulsed)
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Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.
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KEVIN
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You got something up your sleeve for
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tonight, Finch?
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FINCH
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A foolproof plan, my friend. You
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shall see.
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Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
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|
by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
|
|
Manfred Mann remake].
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(sings along)
|
|
And little hurly-burly came by in her
|
|
curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
|
|
I ri-hide --
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
How the hell do you know all these
|
|
random songs?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
|
|
classic. This was before the cheesy
|
|
remake.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
This was remade? Into what?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(chiming in as the chorus hits)
|
|
Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
|
|
like a deuce, another runner in the
|
|
night, blinded...
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
At least now I know what the hell
|
|
they're saying.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
So, does my hair look better --
|
|
(flips a small lock of hair
|
|
onto his forehead)
|
|
like this, or...
|
|
(flips it back up)
|
|
like this?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Who cares?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
|
|
chick, she might be there tonight.
|
|
Now, do you think she'd prefer --
|
|
(flips hair down again)
|
|
Cool Hip Jim...
|
|
(flips it back up)
|
|
or Laid Back Jim?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
The difference is so phenomenal, I
|
|
can't decide.
|
|
|
|
EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
They exit the restaurant.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
What about you? You're the one with
|
|
the girlfriend and you're still
|
|
stranded on third base.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You know, I've never got that shit.
|
|
What exactly constitutes third base?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(holds up a couple fingers)
|
|
Contact, dude.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Then where does a blowjob figure in?
|
|
|
|
They ponder this for a moment.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make it
|
|
to third, and you're out.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
So let's say you get there...what's
|
|
uh, third base feel like?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Oh, man, that's kind of sad.
|
|
|
|
Jim shrugs, embarrassed.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Apple pie...
|
|
(then)
|
|
McDonald's or homemade?
|
|
|
|
They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.
|
|
|
|
He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is
|
|
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC
|
|
blends with the din of excited conversation.
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students
|
|
mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
What's up, fellas?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
|
|
Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
|
|
is high.
|
|
Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
|
|
strategic arsenal ready for
|
|
deployment.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
You've got something going?
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
Did you see that Central chick?
|
|
Brunette?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN/JIM
|
|
No.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
She's around. Seems that she's taken
|
|
a liking to me. Fellas, it's time
|
|
that she experienced -- The
|
|
Sherminator.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
|
|
back through time...to change the
|
|
future for one lucky lady.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah man, right on!
|
|
|
|
Sherman saunters off into the party.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
(shakes his head)
|
|
Hopeless.
|
|
|
|
Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
|
|
EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room.
|
|
She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
You like her? Her sponsor family
|
|
lives on my block. Why don't you talk
|
|
to her?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
What would I say?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Just tell her what's on your mind.
|
|
And smile, you've got a good smile.
|
|
(then to Kevin)
|
|
Come on.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(to Jim)
|
|
Gotta go.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
But --
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
|
|
sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Kevin, get back here!
|
|
|
|
But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With
|
|
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(with a really sexy accent)
|
|
You are in my English class, no?
|
|
|
|
Jim smiles.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(barely)
|
|
Yes.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
I thought so.
|
|
|
|
Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.
|
|
|
|
NADIA (cont'd)
|
|
So you are having fun?
|
|
|
|
Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her
|
|
head.
|
|
|
|
NADIA (cont'd)
|
|
I said, you are having fun?
|
|
|
|
A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental
|
|
vacation.
|
|
|
|
NADIA (cont'd)
|
|
Me too.
|
|
|
|
A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes
|
|
vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
|
|
confused.
|
|
|
|
NADIA (cont'd)
|
|
Well...I am going to get another beer.
|
|
You want one?
|
|
|
|
Jim strains to speak, through his smile.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No...you...go...ahead.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Okay.
|
|
|
|
She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
|
|
huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then,
|
|
realizing --
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh, shit. No! Shit!
|
|
|
|
He pounds his head with his fist.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
|
|
Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
|
|
in disbelief.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
We're here for the party?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
What party? There's no party.
|
|
|
|
MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through
|
|
the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.
|
|
|
|
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
|
|
Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!
|
|
|
|
The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Try the house down the street.
|
|
|
|
Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.
|
|
|
|
BAND DORK
|
|
Ring the bell again.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
|
|
just go in.
|
|
|
|
We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Oh, Kev.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
|
|
time for us to take the next step in
|
|
our relationship?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Tonight?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
|
|
Isn't this how you've always pictured
|
|
it?
|
|
|
|
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
|
|
(yelling)
|
|
Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!
|
|
|
|
PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
|
|
You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
|
|
Go take a shit or something!
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Or not.
|
|
|
|
Vicky pushes him onto his back.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Just relax.
|
|
|
|
INT. CAR - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
|
|
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older-
|
|
looking (from a high-school perspective). They are
|
|
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
|
|
Falls.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Great evening, isn't it?
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
Sure.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
There's something about the spring
|
|
that's just cool. Like the smell of
|
|
fresh rain or something.
|
|
|
|
At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.
|
|
|
|
OZ (CONT'D)
|
|
Suck me, beautiful.
|
|
|
|
The College Chick backs off, confounded.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
What did you just say?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(not so confidently)
|
|
Suck me...beautiful?
|
|
|
|
The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries
|
|
to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
What?!
|
|
|
|
Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
|
|
had the rug pulled from under him.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
|
|
-- as in Casanova.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
You need some work, buddy!
|
|
|
|
She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.
|
|
|
|
Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
Look, Chris. There are just some
|
|
things you need to learn, that's all.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Like what?
|
|
|
|
She sees that he's lost. Almost feels sorry for him.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
Alright, well...you've got to tone it
|
|
down. You don't need to go to Lookout
|
|
Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
|
|
romantic.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
...okay...
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
You have to pay attention to a girl.
|
|
Be sensitive to her feelings.
|
|
Relationships are reciprocal.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I'm not good in math.
|
|
|
|
She's trying not to laugh again.
|
|
|
|
COLLEGE CHICK
|
|
Come on, I'll drop you off at your
|
|
friends'.
|
|
|
|
Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
|
|
Stifler, and some guys.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
(hysterical, toppling over)
|
|
You actually said that?! Haaaah!!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Shut the fuck up.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Oh that's really reassuring. And
|
|
don't call me Nova anymore. I'm a
|
|
fraud.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
This is pathetic. I'm gonna find me a
|
|
little hottie.
|
|
|
|
Stifler strides into another room.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
|
|
(yelling)
|
|
Suck me, beautiful!
|
|
|
|
Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
(brief pause)
|
|
Let me know.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Okay, don't stop.
|
|
|
|
She resumes. A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
|
|
lose it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
Oh -- Now!
|
|
|
|
With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
|
|
frantically searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby
|
|
cup of beer.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams
|
|
out into the cup.
|
|
|
|
GUY #1
|
|
There we go.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
|
|
|
|
Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets
|
|
down the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR
|
|
BURSTS OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger
|
|
sticks out of the doorknob.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
God dammit, Stifler!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Check-out time! Please vacate the
|
|
room.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Stifler, you're such a jerk.
|
|
|
|
She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after
|
|
her.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Vicky, wait!
|
|
|
|
Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
|
|
CHICK behind him. He closes the door.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
God, I can't believe there are so many
|
|
cool people at this party.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Yep.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE
|
|
And you got a keg, too, wow.
|
|
(realizing)
|
|
Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.
|
|
|
|
Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
|
|
He hands it to her.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Here, babe.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
Thanks.
|
|
|
|
She's about to take a sip.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
(gazing into her eyes)
|
|
You're really beautiful.
|
|
|
|
Thrown off, she sets the beer down.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
Really?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Uh huh.
|
|
|
|
She's totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer
|
|
again to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the
|
|
beer from her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She
|
|
breaks it off.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
I don't know if I want to be doing
|
|
this.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
(sighs)
|
|
Doing what?
|
|
|
|
Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer,
|
|
annoyed.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
You know. If we hook up, tomorrow
|
|
I'll just be some girl you go telling
|
|
all your friends about.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
(shifty)
|
|
No way.
|
|
|
|
Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.
|
|
|
|
SOPHOMORE CHICK
|
|
(a little angry)
|
|
Steve! You could at least look at me
|
|
when you say that.
|
|
|
|
Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
|
|
Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Look...
|
|
(searching, remembers)
|
|
...Sarah. I wouldn't go telling
|
|
stories or whatever about you. I
|
|
promise.
|
|
|
|
Smiling, he raises the beer...
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
What the hell? I should be able to
|
|
talk to chicks. I'm articulate. I
|
|
got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
|
|
(starts listing off words)
|
|
Copious. Verisimilitude.
|
|
|
|
A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.
|
|
|
|
JIM (CONT'D)
|
|
(unaffected)
|
|
Intransigence.
|
|
|
|
A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
|
|
running through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And
|
|
indeterminate stain is on her shirt. She bolts out the
|
|
door and into the night. A moment passes.
|
|
|
|
JIM (CONT'D)
|
|
Regurgitation.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and
|
|
a few other guys rush in.
|
|
|
|
GUY #1
|
|
Oh, gross.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Jesus, what did you eat?
|
|
|
|
Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the
|
|
remains of the tainted beer.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Stifler, how's the man chowder?!
|
|
|
|
Stifler barfs even more violently.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
|
|
Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
He likes it.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Of course he does. What about you?
|
|
Have you just never had one with Kevin
|
|
-- or have you never had one, period?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I think I've had one.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Well that's a no. No wonder you're
|
|
not psyched about sex.
|
|
(starts filling Vicky's beer)
|
|
You've never even had one manually?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
...I've never tried it.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Are you kidding? You've never double-
|
|
clicked your mouse?
|
|
|
|
Vicky shrugs.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA (CONT'D)
|
|
Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
|
|
set me off.
|
|
(noticing Nadia next to them,
|
|
she passes the tap along)
|
|
Am I right or what, Nadia?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(no bones about it)
|
|
You are right. The hands are not
|
|
always necessary.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
(to Vicky)
|
|
See?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
In fact -- I should teach you my own
|
|
special method. I developed it myself
|
|
at the ballet institute in Prague.
|
|
You use nothing but the muscles of the
|
|
inner thigh.
|
|
|
|
Nadia walks off.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
No wonder she never pays attention in
|
|
class.
|
|
|
|
Vicky nods, traumatized.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
on the wall. Very attractive, late 30's.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
|
|
like this produced a guy like Stifler.
|
|
|
|
TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.
|
|
|
|
FRESHMAN GUY
|
|
Dude! That chick -- is a MILF!
|
|
|
|
FRESHMAN GUY #2
|
|
What the hell is that?
|
|
|
|
FRESHMAN GUY
|
|
M-I-L-F! Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
|
|
|
|
Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman
|
|
pokes his head out.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
(hushed, to guys)
|
|
Don't you think you fellas could try a
|
|
little tact? I've got company. Know
|
|
what I mean?
|
|
|
|
In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
|
|
Girl. Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
|
|
dumbstruck.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(snapping)
|
|
Dammit! If Sherman has sex before I
|
|
do, I'm gonna be really fucking
|
|
pissed.
|
|
|
|
They turn the corner into the kitchen.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Man, I just gotta get laid already!
|
|
This blowjob thing is bullshit!
|
|
|
|
He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him.
|
|
Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS
|
|
watch, silently. Kevin doesn't know what to say.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Jessica, can you drive me home?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Sure.
|
|
|
|
The guys watch as the girls head for the door.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Vicky, wait.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Not for you.
|
|
|
|
The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in
|
|
shock.
|
|
|
|
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
|
|
Yeti! I am the Yeti!
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY
|
|
|
|
The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer
|
|
cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
|
|
trashed.
|
|
|
|
Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He
|
|
stumbles over a body. It's Kevin.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Ow, what the hell?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Sorry, I thought you were dead.
|
|
|
|
They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is
|
|
sitting on the couch.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Good morning gentleman.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Finch! Where were you last night?
|
|
What happened to the foolproof plan?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
I thought a fashionably late entrance
|
|
would enhance my appearance.
|
|
(off their looks)
|
|
When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
|
|
over and the nymphs had left.
|
|
|
|
Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Feeling better, Oz?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I'm such a loser.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
That's the spirit.
|
|
|
|
We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It's the
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman
|
|
follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as
|
|
Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
(snippets of conversation)
|
|
...I'll never forget...thank you.
|
|
|
|
The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys
|
|
watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.
|
|
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL
|
|
Bye.
|
|
|
|
She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang.
|
|
Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
You did it.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
|
|
the boy. I am now a man.
|
|
|
|
The guys are shocked and amazed.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN (CONT'D)
|
|
I highly recommend you join the club.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
|
|
you do that?
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
It was just my time, fellas, it was
|
|
just my time. Best of luck to you,
|
|
boys.
|
|
|
|
Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just
|
|
lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats,
|
|
ruined.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I put in months of quality time with
|
|
Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one
|
|
night and scores? This is just wrong.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
|
|
How the hell am I gonna become this
|
|
Mr. Sensitive Man?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
|
|
as virgins. They've probably got
|
|
special dorms for people like us.
|
|
|
|
A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
|
|
Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
|
|
group.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Alright, I got an idea. But it stays
|
|
between us. Agreed?
|
|
|
|
They do.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
Okay. It's really simple. We
|
|
make an agreement -- no wait, more
|
|
than an agreement.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Like a bet?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No, a pact. No money involved. This
|
|
is more important than any bet. Now
|
|
here's the deal: We all get laid
|
|
before we graduate.
|
|
|
|
A beat
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Dude, it's not like I haven't been
|
|
trying to get laid.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
This is different. This is better.
|
|
Think of when you're working out, Oz.
|
|
You need a partner, someone to spot
|
|
you. Someone to keep you motivated.
|
|
|
|
Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues,
|
|
arms outspread.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
That's what we are, we keep each other
|
|
on track. Prior to this day, we've
|
|
postured. We've procrastinated.
|
|
We've pretended. We've -- well I
|
|
can't think of other p-words, but
|
|
we've probably done them too.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Pontificated.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(ignoring him)
|
|
Separately, we are flawed and
|
|
vulnerable. But together, we are the
|
|
masters of our sexual destiny!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(kung fu voice)
|
|
Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
|
|
but our dragon style will defeat it!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(going on)
|
|
The Sha-lin masters from east and west
|
|
must unite!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
|
|
fucking moment here. Now think about
|
|
it --
|
|
|
|
Kevin jumps up on a chair.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
No longer will our penises remain
|
|
flaccid and unused! From now on, we
|
|
fight for every man out there who
|
|
isn't getting laid when he should be!
|
|
This is our day! This is our time!
|
|
And, by God, we're not gonna let
|
|
history condemn us to celibacy! We
|
|
will make a stand! We will succeed!
|
|
We will get laid!
|
|
|
|
Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
|
|
front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on
|
|
top, in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a
|
|
CHEER. Woo-hoo!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
(wandering down from upstairs)
|
|
What the hell are you losers doing?
|
|
|
|
They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
|
|
mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
If I might ask, when you brush your
|
|
teeth, do you spit or swallow?
|
|
|
|
Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
|
|
and heads back upstairs.
|
|
|
|
INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
|
|
|
|
The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
|
|
consensual sex. No funny stuff. And
|
|
no prostitutes, if you were thinking
|
|
about that, Finch.
|
|
|
|
Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
|
|
last big chance.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Dude, prom sucks.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I know, but think about it -- At the
|
|
parties that night. Chicks are gonna
|
|
want to do it.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, it's like tradition or
|
|
something.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Right. That gives us...
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Exactly three weeks to the day.
|
|
|
|
They take this in with some trepidation.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Alright then. It's official. Any
|
|
questions?
|
|
|
|
There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
To the next step.
|
|
|
|
The guys raise their drinks.
|
|
|
|
ALL
|
|
To the next step.
|
|
|
|
They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
|
|
FOR SEX MONTAGE:
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
|
|
pages. Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
|
|
which Kevin takes. They part ways.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
|
|
confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
|
|
pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a
|
|
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than
|
|
that, he's doing absolutely nothing.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
|
|
attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E-
|
|
DATE: We Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the
|
|
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
|
|
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
|
|
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
|
|
The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the
|
|
"Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different
|
|
bibles. No luck.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips
|
|
the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a
|
|
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
|
|
bit of mustard.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
|
|
REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
|
|
locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big
|
|
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
|
|
falls out. He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
|
|
guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
|
|
examining them.
|
|
|
|
And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(shoving the rubbers into his
|
|
night table)
|
|
Just a minute!
|
|
|
|
He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
(trying not to look inside)
|
|
Can I come in?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, sure.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
You're not...busy?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dad, come in.
|
|
|
|
Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
|
|
He takes a seat on Jim's bed.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
(fatherly attempt)
|
|
Sit down, Jim. Let's talk.
|
|
|
|
Jim takes a seat next to his dad.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Okay.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
These are for you. From father to
|
|
son.
|
|
|
|
Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he
|
|
takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
|
|
PERFECT 10.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Uh...dad...
|
|
|
|
Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Go ahead son, there's more.
|
|
|
|
Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes.
|
|
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
|
|
Now, that one's a little more...a
|
|
little more...graphic.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
I know, Dad.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Oh, okay. Here's let me show you.
|
|
|
|
Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of
|
|
SHAVED.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
|
|
This, son, is your more exotic dirty
|
|
magazine.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dad! I know!
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Do you know about the clitoris?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(through clenched teeth)
|
|
Yes dad.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
|
|
locate.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(interrupting, hand up)
|
|
Thank you, dad, I got it.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Okay, well that about covers it.
|
|
|
|
Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
|
|
Now, let's put these somewhere where
|
|
your mother won't find them.
|
|
|
|
Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open
|
|
Jim's night table. Jim freaks.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Wait!
|
|
|
|
But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
|
|
unraveled prophylactics. He sours.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
(beaten)
|
|
I'll have to save this speech for
|
|
another day. I'm too worn out.
|
|
|
|
Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Did you get the flowers?
|
|
(no response)
|
|
What about the poem?
|
|
|
|
She doesn't care.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
Vicky, please don't do this.
|
|
|
|
Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I'll think about it.
|
|
|
|
She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby.
|
|
She's overheard.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
|
|
That's easy, she likes you. What you
|
|
need to do is learn to press a girl's
|
|
buttons. You gotta give her what
|
|
she's never had.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
What?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
I'll give you a hint.
|
|
(hot, orgasmic)
|
|
"Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
|
|
(flat)
|
|
Comprende?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You mean...and orgasm?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
You got it, stud.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Well...I'm pretty sure I've --
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
(interrupts authoritatively)
|
|
No you haven't.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
But that one time --
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
(shaking head)
|
|
No.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Well of course I'd want to give her
|
|
that. I mean, what do you think, I
|
|
don't care about her?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Do you?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Of course.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Do you love her?
|
|
|
|
Kevin squirms.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
|
|
that.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Well, if you want to get her in the
|
|
sack, tell her you love her. That's
|
|
how I was duped.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I don't want to dupe her, Jessica. If
|
|
I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Well it's up to you. The Big L, or
|
|
the Big O.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Dickhead! You gotta see this.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER
|
|
|
|
The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
|
|
doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
|
|
Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not
|
|
doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
|
|
vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little
|
|
waves.
|
|
|
|
Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
|
|
auditorium, listening.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
This is unexpected.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
What did you cocks do to him? Shit,
|
|
if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
|
|
kick Oz off the team on principle
|
|
alone.
|
|
|
|
The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Hey guys, you came to watch me in
|
|
action?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
I think you need your balls
|
|
reattached.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Keep it down, dude.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
What the fuck are you doing here?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
This place is an untapped resource.
|
|
Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
|
|
girls are hot.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS
|
|
|
|
A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
|
|
is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
|
|
Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
|
|
singing with us.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
|
|
Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
|
|
his forehead.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
I think he's got a nice voice.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
|
|
(ribbing her)
|
|
Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
|
|
him how to read.
|
|
|
|
Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
You dipshit, you're expecting to score
|
|
with some goody-goody choir-girl
|
|
priss?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Dude, watch me work. They go for
|
|
sensitive studs like me.
|
|
|
|
Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER
|
|
|
|
Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
|
|
Kevin and Jim approach.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
This is your plan, Finch?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Yep.
|
|
|
|
He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
This. Right now.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Uh-huh.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
You're just gonna sit there and drink
|
|
your coffee?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Mochaccino.
|
|
(then)
|
|
Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
|
|
do need to ask for your cooperation in
|
|
one small matter.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Of course, Finch. What?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
What are we gonna hear?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
You'll see. Gotta go. Sixteen
|
|
minute round trip.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Finch, don't you think it's about time
|
|
you learned to take a dump at school?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
When was the last time you looked at
|
|
the facilities here?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Fifteen minutes ago.
|
|
|
|
Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand
|
|
there, dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.
|
|
|
|
ENTHRALLED GIRL
|
|
Uh, guys? Was that Paul Finch?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
ENTHRALLED GIRL
|
|
You guys have like, seen him in the
|
|
locker room, right?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
ENTHRALLED GIRL
|
|
Is it true that he's really...huge?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
I have no idea. Finch showers in a
|
|
bathing suit.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(forced)
|
|
No -- it's true. He is...really...
|
|
big.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(loving it)
|
|
Yeah, enormous.
|
|
|
|
ENTHRALLED GIRL
|
|
Woah. Does he have a date for prom
|
|
yet.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Definitely not.
|
|
|
|
ENTHRALLED GIRL
|
|
No way!
|
|
|
|
She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
|
|
They all seem very interested.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(dumbfounded)
|
|
Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
|
|
he's got girls lining up already.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is on the phone.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
|
|
Say that again, Kevin?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Uh...I thought you might know a trick
|
|
or something. To make her, you
|
|
know...
|
|
|
|
INTERCUT WITH
|
|
|
|
INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin's brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF
|
|
prepares food behind the counter.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER
|
|
Orgasm?
|
|
|
|
The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
SUSHI CUSTOMER
|
|
(to Kevin's Brother)
|
|
What's good here?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER
|
|
Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
What?! How do I do that?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER
|
|
Uh -- forget that. Look, is that all
|
|
you're interested in? Ways to get
|
|
your girlfriend into bed?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Well, no. I think...I guess it would
|
|
be good to be able to return the
|
|
favor. I mean, it would be nice to
|
|
know she enjoys things as much as I
|
|
do.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER
|
|
That's good, that's what I needed to
|
|
hear. Now you qualify.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Qualify for what?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER
|
|
You've just inherited The Bible.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section. He
|
|
carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
|
|
It originally started as a sex manual,
|
|
this book that some guys brought back
|
|
from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
|
|
What to do with your tongue, things
|
|
like that. And each year, it got
|
|
passed on to one East student who was
|
|
worthy of it.
|
|
|
|
Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
|
|
bibles on the bottom shelf.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
|
|
After a couple years, guys started
|
|
adding their own techniques. Things
|
|
they figured out themselves.
|
|
|
|
Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
|
|
shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of
|
|
the shelf. Slides it out.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
|
|
You have to keep it a secret, and
|
|
return it at the end of the year. So,
|
|
now you know. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of
|
|
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
|
|
the binding. The original title is now obscured -- over
|
|
it, someone has written "The Bible."
|
|
|
|
Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It's
|
|
like that right now.
|
|
|
|
Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through
|
|
it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes.
|
|
And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
|
|
date it was added.
|
|
|
|
Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank. He lightly
|
|
runs his hand down the empty page.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
|
|
shoulder.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(yells)
|
|
Mom?! I'm home!
|
|
|
|
No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
|
|
fresh-baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note:
|
|
"Jimmy - Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late.
|
|
Enjoy! Love Mom."
|
|
|
|
Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops...as
|
|
a quizzical look spreads across his face.
|
|
|
|
After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
|
|
pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.
|
|
|
|
Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in
|
|
his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like
|
|
it's... well, not a pie.
|
|
|
|
EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
|
|
His face drops, appalled.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Jim?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
It's not what it looks like!
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
|
|
the table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's
|
|
dad is crushed. You've never seen such disappointment...
|
|
but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.
|
|
|
|
In the middle of the table is the pie. It's decimated.
|
|
Mushed up, ruined...violated.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
(fighting back tears)
|
|
I guess...we'll just tell your
|
|
mother...that we ate it all.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
|
|
Bible.
|
|
|
|
If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
|
|
book, we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing
|
|
it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
|
|
decipher cave paintings.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
|
|
|
|
The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing
|
|
along, really making it look like he's into it. He
|
|
closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm. As
|
|
the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
|
|
shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
|
|
number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good.
|
|
|
|
Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
|
|
the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.
|
|
|
|
The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
What the hell was that?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Sorry.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
No, it was good.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Oh, well...
|
|
(noticing Heather looking at
|
|
him, he acts "sensitive")
|
|
It came from the heart.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
Well then keep it coming.
|
|
(to everyone)
|
|
Alright, people, good work! Keep it
|
|
up and we'll do great at the state
|
|
competition.
|
|
|
|
Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Not bad, Chris.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(surprised himself)
|
|
Really? Hey, thanks -- Heather,
|
|
right?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
|
|
Bobby McFerrin thing going there.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(no idea)
|
|
Yeah. Right, uh-huh.
|
|
(then, back into it)
|
|
I feel like I've discovered this whole
|
|
new side of me. Music is so
|
|
expressive.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(amused)
|
|
Okay.
|
|
(then)
|
|
I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
|
|
supposed to be out, like, trying to
|
|
decapitate someone with your lacrosse
|
|
stick or something?
|
|
|
|
Oz "gets serious" at this.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Oh sure. I know what people think.
|
|
It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
|
|
lacrosse player -- I also play
|
|
football, by the way -- But that's
|
|
like...not all that I am.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Of course, I didn't --
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(cutting her off)
|
|
I mean it really bothers me when
|
|
people try to pigeonhole me like that.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(sparking to this)
|
|
You? You think I don't get that?
|
|
God, it's like just because I don't
|
|
get drunk and barf every weekend,
|
|
people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
|
|
shoes choir-girl priss."
|
|
|
|
Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for
|
|
a moment, this catches Oz off guard.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Yeah...so like, what else do you do?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(offended)
|
|
Well the same things you do. Hang out
|
|
with friends and stuff, you know,
|
|
whatever.
|
|
(then)
|
|
What do you think I do?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(genuine)
|
|
I just -- realized that I didn't know
|
|
anything about you. I was interested.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Oh...well that's okay. Cool.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He's a couple paces
|
|
behind her, almost tagging along.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I was being selfish. And majorly
|
|
insensitive. And I'm a total idiot.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I think "shithead" really says it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yes! I'm a shithead! I'm a complete
|
|
and total shithead!
|
|
|
|
She cracks a little smile.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
And I want to try to make it up to
|
|
you.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
How?
|
|
|
|
Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.
|
|
|
|
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
|
|
IN ECSTASY.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (V.O.)
|
|
Oh...ungghhhhh!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (V.O.)
|
|
Shhhh. Your parents are downstairs.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Oh Kevin -- don't stop!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Just a second!
|
|
|
|
We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky's legs
|
|
are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
|
|
the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It's open to
|
|
a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."
|
|
|
|
Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (cont'd)
|
|
(a little too loudly)
|
|
Oh, God!
|
|
|
|
Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over
|
|
her face, moaning into it.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (cont'd)
|
|
Moly shmmmt! Fmmkkkk!
|
|
|
|
Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
|
|
pulls out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to
|
|
her. He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
|
|
back again.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
|
|
|
|
VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we
|
|
see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
|
|
National Honor Society certificate, a report card.
|
|
|
|
VICKY'S MOM
|
|
(yells to Vicky's Dad)
|
|
Hon? Can you tell Vick to come on
|
|
down for supper?
|
|
|
|
VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets
|
|
up with a GRUNT.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the
|
|
pillow.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
|
|
on your door.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin
|
|
keeps referencing The Bible. Whatever he's doing, it's
|
|
working.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her
|
|
face, gasping.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (O.S.)
|
|
I'M COMING!
|
|
|
|
Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
|
|
downstairs.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
|
|
looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
|
|
hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
|
|
door.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hey, dad. Did you knock?
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then
|
|
he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Oh, Jim! I'm looking at the ol'
|
|
family portrait, here. Yep. It's a
|
|
good one.
|
|
|
|
Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall
|
|
and looks at the portrait. A beat.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
|
|
Son, I wanted to talk to you about
|
|
what I think you were trying to do the
|
|
other day.
|
|
|
|
Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
|
|
(continuing with his prepared
|
|
speech)
|
|
Now, you may have tried it in the
|
|
shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
|
|
not even known what you were doing.
|
|
Or perhaps you've heard your friends
|
|
talking about it in the locker room.
|
|
|
|
Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dad, please stop. Please. I'm sure I
|
|
know what you're talking about.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Sure you know, son, but I think you've
|
|
been having a little problem with it.
|
|
It's okay, though. What you're doing
|
|
is perfectly normal. It's like
|
|
practice. Like when you play tennis
|
|
against a wall. Some day, there'll be
|
|
a partner returning the ball.
|
|
(a beat)
|
|
You do want a partner, don't you son?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(through clenched teeth)
|
|
Yes.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
That's great. Now remember, it's okay
|
|
to play with yourself. Or, as I
|
|
always called it --
|
|
(elbows Jim)
|
|
"Stroke the salami!"
|
|
(chuckles)
|
|
Ho-ho, Jim. There's nothing to be
|
|
ashamed of. Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
|
|
I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle
|
|
Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.
|
|
|
|
Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
|
|
back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps
|
|
going, slamming the door behind him. A beat.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
|
|
Poor guy thought he was the only one.
|
|
|
|
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
|
|
|
|
The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
|
|
East Great Falls is battling Central. It's a rough game,
|
|
muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
|
|
very tough.
|
|
|
|
On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She's
|
|
watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's
|
|
agility and domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling
|
|
the ball in his stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
|
|
check him. Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
|
|
excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.
|
|
|
|
Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather
|
|
CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
|
|
each other.
|
|
|
|
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
|
|
|
|
After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
|
|
sidelines. He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
|
|
snags him --
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
Good work, Ostreicher.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Thanks coach.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
You're a killer, Ozzy!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(trying to get away)
|
|
-- Thanks, coach --
|
|
|
|
FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
|
|
mud.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Hey, what're you doing here?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Just enjoying my exhilarating first
|
|
lacrosse experience. You like,
|
|
"kicked butt."
|
|
|
|
A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's
|
|
skirt.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(brushing it off her skirt)
|
|
Whoops, excuse me...
|
|
|
|
Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has
|
|
something to say that's not quite coming out.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Um...Chris --
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You can call me Oz.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Do I have to?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You can call me Ostreicher.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
What's your middle name?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Forget it.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Come on! I won't tell.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Neither will I.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Okay.
|
|
(pause)
|
|
So I had this...thought, and...this
|
|
may seem like it's out of left field,
|
|
and I don't know if you can, but since
|
|
I'm not going with anyone --
|
|
|
|
Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
|
|
excited.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Hah! Central sucks!
|
|
(noticing Heather)
|
|
Choir Chick? What the hell are you
|
|
doing here?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Well, I uh, I was --
|
|
(decides to stand her ground)
|
|
I was asking Chris to prom.
|
|
(turns to Oz)
|
|
So do you wanna go?
|
|
|
|
Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Yeah!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for
|
|
the limo.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Stifler, fuck --
|
|
(noticing Heather, "sensitive")
|
|
...man, you don't have to be so
|
|
insensitive.
|
|
|
|
A beat.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
What??
|
|
(he dismisses it)
|
|
Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
|
|
my cottage after prom. On Lake
|
|
Michigan.
|
|
|
|
Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Alright, cool. I gotta hit the
|
|
showers, but...I think this'll be
|
|
really good.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah, me too, okay, cool.
|
|
|
|
They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her
|
|
car. Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
|
|
guys.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
My man Oz, working it with the choir
|
|
babes?
|
|
|
|
LACROSSE BUDDIES
|
|
(cheering, slapping him)
|
|
Yeah, go Oz! etc.
|
|
|
|
Oz laughs, embarrassed.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(pandering to them)
|
|
Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
|
|
those cute little sweaters she wears.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
I'll bet you do, you little horndog,
|
|
she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies,
|
|
right?
|
|
|
|
Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-
|
|
Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER (CONT'D)
|
|
Yeah! Sing for me! yes!
|
|
|
|
The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
|
|
himself. They all high-five.
|
|
|
|
And from the other side of the field, we see Heather
|
|
peering over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in
|
|
the laughter.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.
|
|
|
|
TEACHER
|
|
So once Hal becomes king, he has to
|
|
take on the responsibilities of
|
|
leadership, and turn his back on his
|
|
old, drunken friend, Falstaff. You
|
|
see, Hal was going through a rite of
|
|
passage, much like you all are. Make
|
|
the most of the time you've got left
|
|
together. You'll miss it later.
|
|
|
|
Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in
|
|
one corner.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
So does your tongue cramp up?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Wow, that's amazing, she's probably
|
|
gonna want to do it soon.
|
|
|
|
Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
Still questing after the holy grail,
|
|
eh guys?
|
|
|
|
He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the
|
|
classroom.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hey, where's Finch?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Went home to shit.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
I don't get it. How does a guy like
|
|
that get this sudden reputation?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
What reputation?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Observe.
|
|
|
|
He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
Excuse me. Do you know who Paul
|
|
Finch is?
|
|
|
|
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
|
|
Of course! Have you guys seen his
|
|
tattoo?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
...Yes?
|
|
|
|
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
|
|
Is it cool? I heard it was like an
|
|
eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(nods, loving it)
|
|
Actually, it's an eagle and this big
|
|
python.
|
|
|
|
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
|
|
Really?!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here,
|
|
and the eagle -- the eagle is actually
|
|
grasping the python in its talons, so
|
|
the snake is like his --
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(interrupting)
|
|
That's good, Jim.
|
|
|
|
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
|
|
Woah, no way! That guy is so cool!
|
|
|
|
She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the
|
|
classroom.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Okay, explain.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I can't, I have no idea how he's doing
|
|
it. And that leaves you trailing,
|
|
Jim. You gotta get your act together.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(a little aggravated)
|
|
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
|
|
|
|
Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in
|
|
front of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz
|
|
elbows him. Jim gives a startled GRUNT.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
You are very good in the world history
|
|
class, yes?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(gulps)
|
|
Me?
|
|
|
|
Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
|
|
encouraging looks and gestures.
|
|
|
|
JIM (CONT'D)
|
|
(trying to decipher the guys'
|
|
signals)
|
|
Yes. No. Yes.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Perhaps you can help me with my
|
|
studies?
|
|
|
|
The guys nod, "Yes! Yes!"
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Okay...that would be cool sometime.
|
|
(sees the guys gesticulating)
|
|
How 'bout tomorrow?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Well, I do have ballet practice.
|
|
Perhaps I can come by your house
|
|
afterwards. I can change clothes at
|
|
your place?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(barely, overwhelmed)
|
|
I suppose that would be okay.
|
|
|
|
Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's
|
|
arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They
|
|
pat him heartily in congratulations.
|
|
|
|
EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
|
|
|
|
After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new
|
|
Saab.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Nice car.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
I'm glad you think so.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You don't like it?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
No, I like the car.
|
|
(then, direct)
|
|
By the way, though, about prom? That
|
|
was like a bad idea. Sorry I invited
|
|
you.
|
|
|
|
She hastily walks towards the school.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
What?!
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Oh, please. I asked you because I
|
|
thought you might actually be worth
|
|
going with. But you are just a jock.
|
|
No wait. You're a jerk.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
What? No I'm not.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
I saw you making fun of me with your
|
|
lacrosse buddies.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I wasn't making fun of you.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Give me a break, you're so full of it.
|
|
|
|
She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
|
|
school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER
|
|
|
|
Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite
|
|
ends of the room. It's a pop, contemporary arrangement
|
|
of "HOW SWEET IT IS." It sounds jazzy, cool.
|
|
|
|
Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him. He
|
|
sings along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings
|
|
clearer and better than ever. Oz watches her, though she
|
|
never looks his way. At the bride of the song, Heather
|
|
breaks into a solo. She sings beautifully. Oz is
|
|
hooked.
|
|
|
|
The Choir Teacher halts the song.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
|
|
want to thicken up that solo.
|
|
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I
|
|
want that part to smoke.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
I know, my timing's off.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
A little, but I think it'll work
|
|
better as a duet. With a tenor part.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(interrupting)
|
|
I'll do it.
|
|
|
|
A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather
|
|
looks indifferent.
|
|
|
|
OZ (CONT'D)
|
|
I'll do it.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER
|
|
Okay then. The rest of you okay with
|
|
that?
|
|
|
|
The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
|
|
skepticism.
|
|
|
|
CHOIR TEACHER (CONT'D)
|
|
Great. See you tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
The group starts packing up.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(annoyed)
|
|
Why are you doing this?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Because I want to.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah? Well you can't fake your way
|
|
through this. You better practice.
|
|
|
|
She leaves.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Fuck me! You're gonna have a naked
|
|
Eastern-European chick in your house,
|
|
and you're telling me you're not gonna
|
|
take advantage of that?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
What am I gonna do, broadcast her over
|
|
the internet?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You can do that?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(off their looks)
|
|
Oh -- no way. I can't do that to her.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
|
|
If you don't have the guts to
|
|
photograph a naked chick in your room,
|
|
how are you ever gonna sleep with one?
|
|
Now all you gotta do is set up some
|
|
sort of private link or whatever on
|
|
the net, and tell me the address.
|
|
|
|
The guys ponder this.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You can send me the address too.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how
|
|
the hell am I gonna watch?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I'll save you a seat.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.
|
|
The computer BINGS.
|
|
|
|
COMPUTER VOICE
|
|
"You have established an internet
|
|
connection."
|
|
|
|
Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: "OH YEAH!
|
|
128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision. ENJOY!"
|
|
|
|
Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.
|
|
Highlights a listing. Clicks "Send."
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is
|
|
unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.
|
|
|
|
We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen.
|
|
It's a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly
|
|
Jim's face pops into frame. He's adjusting the camera.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
There we go.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
We see the same image on Jim's screen. Jim turns off
|
|
just the monitor. It looks like the computer is off --
|
|
the ruse is undetectable.
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad enters with Nadia. She's in sweats and a
|
|
leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim's
|
|
dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Son. This lady's here for you.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(like it's no big deal)
|
|
I know. Hey Nadia.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Hello James. Ready to study.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Oh, you bet he is. Jim's quite the
|
|
bookworm.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dad.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
|
|
He's a good little kid. Er, guy.
|
|
Man.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dad!!
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
Okay, okay. I'll let you hit those
|
|
books.
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
|
|
Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
Steve! Steve! It's my computer and I
|
|
wanna use it!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Shut up and watch this, you might
|
|
learn something.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
So you need to change, right?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Do you mind? This fabric is so
|
|
uncomfortable.
|
|
|
|
She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No, go right ahead and get dressed.
|
|
I'll just be downstairs, studying up.
|
|
Get me when you're ready.
|
|
|
|
Jim exits, closing the door behind him.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Here we go.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
He's off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the
|
|
stairs.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts
|
|
through the room.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Be back in a sec!
|
|
|
|
He practically crashes through the door on his way out.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S MOM
|
|
Jim? Honey, where are you going?
|
|
|
|
She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STREET - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim runs like hell.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.
|
|
|
|
EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Want a beer?
|
|
|
|
Finch simply waves off the question. He's glued to the
|
|
screen.
|
|
|
|
Jim bursts into the room, breathless.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Did I miss anything?!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Just in time.
|
|
|
|
Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch,
|
|
transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Woah!
|
|
|
|
Nadia's leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding
|
|
body.
|
|
|
|
INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
|
|
computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.
|
|
|
|
Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.
|
|
Admiring her body.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Oh, man! This is incredible.
|
|
|
|
And...yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple
|
|
breasts. The guys are awestruck.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
I can't believe Oz had to work.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He
|
|
sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It's as quiet
|
|
and boring as can be.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
Stifler and his brother are awestruck.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
This is like the coolest thing I've
|
|
ever seen.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
|
|
day.
|
|
|
|
Nadia still primps in the mirror. Then she looks around.
|
|
Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's
|
|
night table.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Hey! You can't touch my stuff!
|
|
|
|
Nadia opens the night table. Stops. Jim flushes. Nadia
|
|
delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Oh no no no.
|
|
|
|
She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Nice collection there, Jim.
|
|
|
|
Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE. Starts thumbing through it.
|
|
She sits on Jim's bed. Lingering on some pages. Getting
|
|
aroused.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --
|
|
|
|
Welcome to every man's fantasy. Nadia's hand wanders
|
|
into her panties.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Gentlemen, I'd like to make an
|
|
announcement. There is a gorgeous
|
|
woman masturbating on my bed.
|
|
|
|
The guys watch, completely blown away. Nadia's lost
|
|
herself.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You know, Jim...you could go back
|
|
there...and...
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
(nodding)
|
|
Seduce her.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
But, but -- what would I do?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Anything! Just tell her it looks like
|
|
she needs an extra hand or something.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
That's stupid.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No, you're stupid. Get going! Right
|
|
now! She's primed!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh...oh...oh, shit!
|
|
|
|
He BOLTS across the room.
|
|
|
|
EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim sprints across the lawn.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim leaps over a row of bushes. Wipes out. Gets up and
|
|
keeps running.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
|
|
parents.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hey mom hey dad!
|
|
|
|
He rushes up the stairs. Jim's Dad looks hopeful.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath. He can
|
|
hear FAINT MOANING from inside. He's hesitating.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Come on, Jim. Where are you?
|
|
|
|
The PHONE RINGS. Kevin answers.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (cont'd)
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
Hello? Hey Sherman...what?! How did
|
|
you know?
|
|
|
|
INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Sherman sits in front of a computer.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
Jim must've addressed that E-mail
|
|
wrong. It went out to every mailbox
|
|
in the East High directory. God, how
|
|
juvenile.
|
|
|
|
INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer. Watching
|
|
NadiaVision. Mouth open. Braces shining.
|
|
|
|
INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page. A LITTLE MONKEY
|
|
hops around in a cage.
|
|
|
|
STONER #1
|
|
Whoa.
|
|
|
|
STONER #2
|
|
Kind.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim still waits outside his bedroom door. Takes a deep
|
|
breath. Looks upwards to the sky.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Please, God. Let this be it.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
He's going in!
|
|
|
|
INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
We see a bedroom full of GUYS.
|
|
|
|
GUY #1
|
|
There's somebody going in there!
|
|
|
|
INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
STONER #1
|
|
Hey, that guy's in my trig class.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim stands there, bewildered. Nadia hasn't noticed him,
|
|
eyes closed, still pleasuring herself. Jim stands there,
|
|
watching, faltering. Gathers his courage. Finally, he
|
|
rolls his eyes and says --
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Looks like you could use an extra
|
|
hand.
|
|
|
|
Nadia's eyes flash open.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(chastising)
|
|
James! You have come in here on
|
|
purpose?!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Well...uh...
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Shame on you!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Uh...yeah...sorry.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Well. You have seen me. Now it is my
|
|
turn to see you. Strip.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Strip?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Yes, slowly.
|
|
|
|
Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
You mean like, strip strip?
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(irresistably sexy)
|
|
For me?
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
What do you suppose they're saying?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No idea.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio. Turns it on. We
|
|
hear COUNTRY MUSIC. She flips the dial, and we hear A
|
|
FEW STATIONS FLIP BY. Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Perfect.
|
|
|
|
She turns to Jim.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Uh...
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Move with the music.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Um...okay...
|
|
|
|
He struts clumsily back and forth. Takes his shirt off.
|
|
Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of
|
|
it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
No, no, you must put your whole body
|
|
into it.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Nadia, I can't --
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Can't what? Do you not want to be
|
|
with me? I wish to be entertained,
|
|
James.
|
|
|
|
Jim nods eagerly. Concentrates on the music...as we see
|
|
the shirt slide off the camera. Jim starts writhing to
|
|
the beat. Like a hyperactive chicken.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
What the fuck is this?
|
|
|
|
INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
The horror, the horror.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim is into it now. Possibly the worst dancer in the
|
|
world. No rhythm. No soul.
|
|
|
|
INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
STONER #2
|
|
God, what a buzzkill.
|
|
|
|
INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.
|
|
|
|
GIRL IN BEDROOM
|
|
Work it, baby!
|
|
|
|
The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(turned on)
|
|
More sexy, Jim, more sexy.
|
|
|
|
Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding. He does some
|
|
pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
|
|
around his chest and neck.
|
|
|
|
INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.
|
|
|
|
DISINTERESTED GIRL
|
|
He's no Paul Finch.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
This is truly revolting.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
|
|
back, in his boxers and shorts.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(getting really turned on)
|
|
More, more, you bad boy!
|
|
|
|
Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.
|
|
|
|
INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to
|
|
the computer.
|
|
|
|
GUY #1
|
|
Ugh...God...
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Now! Hames, come to me.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh yeah!
|
|
|
|
Jim dances over to her. She pulls him onto the bed.
|
|
Kisses his neck. Takes his hand. Places it on her
|
|
thigh.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Be gentle.
|
|
|
|
Jim GULPS.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Ho-lee shit.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
This just got a hell of a lot better.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg. She does the same to
|
|
him. Blows in his ear. Her hand is about to enter his
|
|
shorts.
|
|
|
|
And Jim is done. Bang. That's it.
|
|
|
|
He looks down at himself in terror. Nadia sees. Backs
|
|
away.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Jim...
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh no.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Oh no.
|
|
|
|
INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
The stoners look...well, stoned.
|
|
|
|
STONER #1
|
|
Bummer.
|
|
|
|
INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
What happened?! What happened?!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
He blew it. Literally.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Nadia is getting dressed.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
You are done, James. Perhaps I should
|
|
be going now.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No, no, I'm not done! I've got
|
|
reserves! Nadia, please please
|
|
please. I'm begging you.
|
|
|
|
She sees the desperation in his eyes. Thinks about it.
|
|
Smiles.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
I do like your dirty magazines.
|
|
|
|
Jim digs into the stack of pornos. Grabs SHAVED.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Did you see this? This is your more
|
|
exotic dirty magazine.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Yes...James, it is knowing that these
|
|
beautiful women arouse you that
|
|
arouses me...
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh yes. Very arousing women. They
|
|
arouse me very much. But not as
|
|
arousing as you.
|
|
|
|
She goes for this line. Gives in.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Oh Jim...
|
|
|
|
She grabs him. Starts caressing his body.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN/FINCH
|
|
Yes!!
|
|
|
|
INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME
|
|
|
|
STONER #1
|
|
Alright, dude!
|
|
|
|
INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
GUY #1
|
|
He's re-engaging!
|
|
|
|
A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Groping. They're tangled in each other. Nadia backs off
|
|
for a moment. Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in
|
|
the sides of her panties. Starts sliding them down.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
So, "shaved" is the expression?
|
|
|
|
CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out. Yep, it is, and she
|
|
is.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(mutters)
|
|
Holy shit.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Holy shit!
|
|
|
|
INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
ALL THE GUYS
|
|
(unison)
|
|
HOLY SHIT!
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is stuck. Staring at Nadia. She moves towards him.
|
|
Nadia is inches from his face.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Touch me Jim...here.
|
|
|
|
Jim is trembling, straining with himself. A shudder runs
|
|
through him.
|
|
|
|
And it's over, again.
|
|
|
|
INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
The girls are LAUGHING again.
|
|
|
|
GIRLS
|
|
Again?
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Not again.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No, not again.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
(sighs)
|
|
I am sorry, Jim. I suppose we will
|
|
not be doing any studying now.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No! I've got...reserve reserves!
|
|
|
|
Nadia starts getting dressed. Jim is whimpering.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
It is too bad. I was at first hoping
|
|
you would ask me to the prom. But...
|
|
|
|
She gathers her things. Eyes Jim over.
|
|
|
|
NADIA (cont'd)
|
|
You should change your shorts.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
...okay.
|
|
|
|
Jim is stunned. Ruined. Nadia exits. CLOSE on Jim's
|
|
tormented face as we hear...
|
|
|
|
COMPUTER VOICE
|
|
"You have lost your internet
|
|
connection. Click 'okay' to
|
|
reconnect."
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed. A
|
|
COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling. He trudges
|
|
along...noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he
|
|
passes by...and Stoner #1 giving him a peace sign...and
|
|
the Computer Nerd staring at him like a celebrity......
|
|
Jim's pace slows. He hears a SNICKER behind him...he
|
|
slows even more, taking very careful steps...as he sees a
|
|
GIRL doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out
|
|
as he sees that, yes, it's his dance. He stops. ALMOST
|
|
EVERYONE is staring at him. Jim pulls his coat up over
|
|
his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive
|
|
avoiding the media. People APPLAUD and LAUGH.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim. Here and there, people
|
|
still give Jim funny looks.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Hey, minuteman.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Shut up. You're supposed to be
|
|
supportive.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You've still got a chance with Nadia,
|
|
right?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing
|
|
on the net. I don't think they liked
|
|
it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
How do you know that?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
She's already on a plane back home.
|
|
|
|
Kevin winces.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
You know, maybe I'm just not good with
|
|
girls, period. Like I was born
|
|
without that part of the brain. I
|
|
mean, I can't talk to girls. And when
|
|
I do talk to them, I screw it up.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah? Well come prom night, those
|
|
excuses aren't going to do you much
|
|
good.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.
|
|
|
|
A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks
|
|
by.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim sits, waiting for class to start. Miserable. Some
|
|
students are obviously talking about him in the
|
|
background. Others study and chat.
|
|
|
|
Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that
|
|
we've seen earlier. She's got a flute case on her desk.
|
|
She's blabbering to Jim. The kind of blabbering where
|
|
every other sentence sounds like a question, even though
|
|
it isn't.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
And so, one time? I was at band camp?
|
|
And we weren't supposed to have pillow
|
|
fights? But we had a pillow fight!
|
|
And it was so much fun!
|
|
|
|
Jim couldn't care.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE (cont'd)
|
|
And one time, we all lost our music?
|
|
And we were supposed to play this
|
|
song? But we didn't know it. So we
|
|
just made it up! And we kept playing
|
|
and playing but the conductor didn't
|
|
know what we were doing and it was so
|
|
funny!
|
|
|
|
Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE (cont'd)
|
|
So you're pissed about something, huh?
|
|
You know what I do when I'm angry? I
|
|
just play some Bach on my flute. It's
|
|
so relaxing. I learned to do that at
|
|
band camp.
|
|
|
|
Jim perks up the slightest bit.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hold on. You have no idea why I'm
|
|
angry?
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Is it because we have a test tomorrow?
|
|
Sometimes I get cranky when I know I
|
|
have a big test to study for.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
I thought so. Because, one time? I
|
|
was at this --
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(interrupting)
|
|
What was your name again?
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Michelle.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Okay. Michelle, do you want to be my
|
|
date for the prom?
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Really? You seriously want to go with
|
|
me?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(so forced)
|
|
Yes. Seriously.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Are we going to Steve Stifler's party
|
|
afterwards? That would be so cool.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Whatever you want.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Cool! We're gonna have so much fun!
|
|
It's like this one time, at band
|
|
camp...
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER
|
|
|
|
Heather is walking down the hall. She turns to go into
|
|
the Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the
|
|
door she sees Oz. She stops.
|
|
|
|
Oz is singing, working through the solo. Determined to
|
|
get it right. He bounces his lacrosse ball off the
|
|
floor, in rhythm, keeping time. There's one point that
|
|
he keeps getting stuck at and going back over. Heather
|
|
watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually
|
|
putting his heart into it. Finally he's frustrated --
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Dammit!
|
|
|
|
He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall. Heather recoils,
|
|
still watching, unseen by Oz. After a moment, Oz cools
|
|
off. He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again.
|
|
Heather is impressed.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on,
|
|
rubbing her shoulders.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You're not doing the extra credit
|
|
problems.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
No, I'm not. I'm writing a sequence
|
|
of random numbers that look like I'm
|
|
doing the extra credit problems. Mr.
|
|
Bender doesn't bother to check
|
|
homework past April.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
That's my trick!
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
It's everyone's trick, Kevin.
|
|
(she turns to him)
|
|
But I did pick it up from you.
|
|
|
|
She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with
|
|
her work. Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
We've come a long way since
|
|
Homecoming.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
(playful)
|
|
Yeah, we have. You corrupted my four-
|
|
point into a three-nine-five.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Indeed I did. But, our relationship.
|
|
It's progressed a lot. It's time for
|
|
us to...express ourselves in new ways.
|
|
|
|
Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk,
|
|
facing him. Her mood has shifted, more romantic.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Like how?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Well, I feel that...things are getting
|
|
to that point in a relationship.
|
|
When two people share...a special
|
|
moment between them.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I think you're so right, Kevin.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(pause)
|
|
You want to do it?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Yes --
|
|
|
|
She takes his hand. Readies herself, and declares.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (CONT'D)
|
|
I love you.
|
|
|
|
Kevin falters. This is definitely not what he was
|
|
expecting. He's caught. Trying to formulate a response.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (CONT'D)
|
|
Kevin? Do you not love me?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No, I don't not love you. I like, I
|
|
know that we've definitely got
|
|
something between us. Something good.
|
|
Something special.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
But you don't love me.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I didn't say that. I mean, love, it's
|
|
like a term that gets thrown around.
|
|
People say things, they get married,
|
|
have kids, and then what? It's like
|
|
they call it off, going "I was wrong."
|
|
|
|
A beat. Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Kevin...you're not your dad. The two
|
|
of us, we're not your parents.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I know, Vick. I'm just not ready yet,
|
|
okay?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Okay.
|
|
|
|
INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz is closing up the store. He looks up to see Heather
|
|
at the door. Oz goes and opens it, surprised,
|
|
embarrassed. The air is awkward between them.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Hi...
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
How did you know I was here?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Stifler told me.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You talked to Stifler?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Well...I needed to find you. We are
|
|
gonna have to practice that song.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
...okay. Cool then. I'm um, I'm glad
|
|
you came by. I mean, really.
|
|
|
|
She smiles. Oz lets her in.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
So you like, work nights?
|
|
|
|
An uncomfortable moment for Oz.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Uh...my dad's the manager.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Really? Cool. Tell him his subs are
|
|
great.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Ah, he's always too heavy on the
|
|
vinegar. If you really want a good
|
|
one, you gotta let me make it.
|
|
|
|
INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
|
|
|
|
Oz is behind the counter. Heather walks down the other
|
|
side as Oz assembles a sub.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
My dad's always here running the
|
|
store, busy and stuff...and I fill in
|
|
once a week so he can get a night off.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(pause)
|
|
That's nice.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(shrugs)
|
|
So you're going to Michigan?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go
|
|
to Northwestern. I didn't want to
|
|
write all those extra essays they make
|
|
you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to
|
|
know what my "most emotionally
|
|
significant moment" was? So when my U
|
|
of M acceptance came in December, I
|
|
said the hell with it.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Onions?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
What?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You want onions?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Oh, yeah. So what're you gonna major
|
|
in?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Well, State's got a good business
|
|
school. And I can probably walk onto
|
|
the lacrosse team. Green peppers?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah. So wow, you've got it figured
|
|
out.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(dismissive)
|
|
Well, I mean, business is okay, and
|
|
lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
|
|
gonna be, a pro lacrosse player? I
|
|
really have no idea.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Oh thank God, I thought I was the only
|
|
one.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Well, you're not. Oil and vinegar?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Yeah. You know, people are always
|
|
like, "What're you gonna major in?"
|
|
And I don't know. And they're like,
|
|
"You'll figure it out." Yeah? When?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I know. Salt and pepper?
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Sure.
|
|
|
|
Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
|
|
tray.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER (CONT'D)
|
|
So we're gonna be close next year?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East
|
|
Lansing and Ann Arbor.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(smiles)
|
|
...yeah.
|
|
|
|
A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Wanna swap your chips for cookies?
|
|
|
|
EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER
|
|
|
|
The remains of a couple subs are on a table. Oz and
|
|
Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're
|
|
working through it. And when they're in sync, they sound
|
|
really good together. We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing
|
|
into the night.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY
|
|
|
|
A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
I'm sorry, I really can't go with
|
|
you...I'm holding out for someone
|
|
else.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
You gotta be fucking kidding.
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
I know it's a long shot, but I figure
|
|
Paul Finch might ask me.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
FINCH? SHITBREAK?!!
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look
|
|
okay...I mean you can't even tell...
|
|
|
|
Flustered, she heads down the stairs. Stifler, entirely
|
|
confused, heads off into the second floor. As the Girl
|
|
Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with
|
|
her.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Hey...what was that all about?
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
He's still embarrassed because Finch
|
|
kicked his ass. Knocked out a tooth,
|
|
but you can't see it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Right, and who told you that?
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is talking to GRETA. She points offscreen.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK. Taking notes.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL. We see that his
|
|
notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked
|
|
with arrows. They all point to one girl's name in the
|
|
center of the page -- Jessica.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
No comment.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No comment?! Are you kidding me?!
|
|
I've never seen someone's image change
|
|
so...so drastically!
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Thanks. It was my idea.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Did you guys hook up or something?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Are you kidding? No.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Then what the hell are you talking
|
|
about?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Well...I guess it's okay for me to
|
|
tell you now. That reputation of his
|
|
isn't going anywhere.
|
|
(then)
|
|
Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica,
|
|
I need help with this, blah blah,
|
|
etcetera." So I told him, pay me two-
|
|
hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple
|
|
girls that you're dynamite in bed. So
|
|
he did, and I did.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I don't get it, that really works?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Duh. Of course. Naturally, I
|
|
embellished a little bit. Hey, did
|
|
you hear that Finch had sex with an
|
|
older woman?
|
|
|
|
Kevin is speechless.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA (CONT'D)
|
|
No? Damn, that one was my favorite.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
|
|
FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on
|
|
the showers, to hear --
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(singing happily)
|
|
...I needed the shelter of someone's
|
|
arms...there you were -- woo-hoo-
|
|
hoo...
|
|
|
|
He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
|
|
Stifler.
|
|
|
|
OZ (CONT'D)
|
|
(still singing)
|
|
...I needed someone to understand my
|
|
ups and my downs, oh baby there you
|
|
were...
|
|
|
|
Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Oh my fucking God. You're gay.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(cheery)
|
|
Come on, you know the words, sing
|
|
along.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
No thanks, you've been singing that
|
|
shit all week. If you try that at MSU
|
|
this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't
|
|
know you.
|
|
|
|
Oz stops.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Our last game is this Saturday.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
No shit.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER
|
|
|
|
Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her,
|
|
breathless, his hair still wet.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
...I've got this lacrosse game. It's
|
|
really important, it's our last game.
|
|
And you know, Central almost beat us
|
|
last time, so I really want to kick
|
|
their ass, and it's like cool because
|
|
we're gonna get to play at State,
|
|
which means that after the game I
|
|
might be able to stop by...
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(pause)
|
|
You can't sing at the competition.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I'm sorry, I totally spaced. I
|
|
just...I didn't realize it...
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
(upset but trying to be cool)
|
|
...it's okay, you should do whatever
|
|
makes you happy.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Alright...yeah...thanks for
|
|
understanding.
|
|
(a beat)
|
|
So I guess...I'll see you later.
|
|
|
|
An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks
|
|
let down.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler
|
|
comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(immediately sensing danger)
|
|
Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Me? Nothing. I'm the one whose ass
|
|
he kicked.
|
|
(off Kevin's look)
|
|
I'll tell you one thing, though. I
|
|
don't think he's gonna have a problem
|
|
shitting in school anymore.
|
|
|
|
Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
|
|
LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin
|
|
comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Easy, tiger. What's in there?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Just go!
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Why is this?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You're gonna shit your pants!
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Charming.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some
|
|
sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
|
|
or whatever. It's fast acting. I
|
|
mean really fast.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
First of all, it's Mochaccino, and
|
|
secondly...Oohhhh!
|
|
|
|
Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING
|
|
|
|
We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall,
|
|
holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
This way, sit.
|
|
|
|
Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS
|
|
hysterically.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch has stopped. He's staring down at the toilet. It
|
|
looks entirely uninviting. But he's straining,
|
|
struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
|
|
cramps up.
|
|
|
|
He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
|
|
it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his
|
|
forehead.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Come on come on come on...
|
|
|
|
He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of
|
|
toilet paper. Notices a spot where there's still bare
|
|
toilet seat. He tears off one square of toilet paper,
|
|
placing it on the spot. He steps back and looks it over,
|
|
still wriggling to contain his bowels.
|
|
|
|
FINCH (CONT'D)
|
|
Okay. You can do this.
|
|
|
|
He unbuckles his pants. Sits down -- just as we hear
|
|
someone enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining,
|
|
listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
|
|
of heels.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
|
|
symbol for "Women." Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
|
|
harder.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall
|
|
door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
|
|
colored skirts and dresses. He grits his teeth,
|
|
straining.
|
|
|
|
And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach. His eyes bulge.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
|
|
Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
You know it's just gonna be some
|
|
crappy band and stupid decorations.
|
|
|
|
GIRL #2
|
|
You're just saying that cause prom's a
|
|
week away and you don't have a date.
|
|
|
|
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
|
|
No, I don't want a date...
|
|
(increasingly dreamy)
|
|
Finch is going stag...and so am
|
|
I...the guy is like so...debonair.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit.
|
|
Holding it in for all he's worth.
|
|
|
|
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
GIRL #2
|
|
Do you think that "older woman" thing
|
|
is true?
|
|
|
|
GIRL #3
|
|
Of course, it was Stifler's mom.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in
|
|
his body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut
|
|
eyes.
|
|
|
|
A gastric RUMBLING. Finch's eyes flash open in terror.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her
|
|
friend in surprise.
|
|
|
|
GIRL #2
|
|
Joanie, was that you?
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it's
|
|
no use. He's at his limit.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can
|
|
only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet
|
|
bowl.
|
|
|
|
The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER
|
|
|
|
Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his
|
|
pants. Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs
|
|
the handle. Composes himself. And like nothing ever
|
|
happened, he opens it.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes
|
|
register complete disbelief.
|
|
|
|
A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
|
|
gossiping about him, has crowded around the door. All
|
|
staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.
|
|
|
|
DISSOLVE TO:
|
|
|
|
EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game. The team
|
|
scores -- they're beating Central. Everyone cheers,
|
|
except Oz. We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.
|
|
|
|
EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
Establishing. The campus of Michigan State University.
|
|
Students pass in front of an older, impressive university
|
|
building.
|
|
|
|
A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL
|
|
COMPETITION."
|
|
|
|
INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind
|
|
the curtain.
|
|
|
|
They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits. Heather
|
|
looks worried, lost. Looking to the door, as if Oz might
|
|
come running in.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
|
|
Okay. Albert, you ready?
|
|
|
|
ALBERT steps next to Heather. He's kind of funny-
|
|
looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as
|
|
plain weird.
|
|
|
|
ALBERT
|
|
No problemo.
|
|
|
|
He SINGS a couple lines. Way too melodramatic and
|
|
cheesy. Heather looks trapped.
|
|
|
|
EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals.
|
|
Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling
|
|
the ball in his stick. He seems to have a good lead.
|
|
Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball.
|
|
Someone has checked him. He lays stunned on the ground,
|
|
as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.
|
|
|
|
The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the
|
|
face-off, and gather around the coach.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
Alright! Good hustle, guys, but we
|
|
can still lose. You all saw what
|
|
happened to Oz out there. I don't
|
|
ever want to see you guys thinking
|
|
you're gonna score. You don't score
|
|
until you score, period.
|
|
|
|
The team is getting into it. Shouts of "Hell yeah!" But
|
|
Oz's got a quizzical look on his face.
|
|
|
|
INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
Heather waits with the group to go onstage. Albert paces
|
|
like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.
|
|
|
|
ALBERT
|
|
Focus on the music. Think melody.
|
|
Let the music be my guide.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
That would be a start.
|
|
|
|
EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY
|
|
|
|
Oz shows some emotion peeking through. Confused.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
It all boils down to today. For you
|
|
seniors, this marks the culmination of
|
|
your past four years. Think of what
|
|
that means to you. Are you guys gonna
|
|
look back on your days at East and
|
|
know that you made the most of the
|
|
time you had?
|
|
|
|
A wave of realization washes over Oz. He stands up tall.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL (cont'd)
|
|
Now that's the attitude, Ostreicher!
|
|
|
|
Oz collects himself. Takes a deep breath.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Good luck, guys.
|
|
|
|
he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
Christ! I didn't say you were out of
|
|
the game!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Sorry, coach.
|
|
|
|
COACH MARSHALL
|
|
What the fuck is this? You got
|
|
someplace more important to be?
|
|
|
|
Coach Marshall is fuming. The entire team is staring at
|
|
Oz.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
He runs off.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS
|
|
|
|
A beat of confusion. Then they stand up.
|
|
|
|
EXT. MSU CAMPUS - DAY
|
|
|
|
Oz runs through a gate.
|
|
|
|
INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY
|
|
|
|
The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting
|
|
to go onstage. Oz bursts into the room, still in his
|
|
lacrosse gear.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ GUYS
|
|
Oz -- You're back -- Yeah --
|
|
|
|
ALBERT
|
|
-- Oh, great.
|
|
|
|
Oz rushes up to Heather. She's happy but confused.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
What about the game?!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I'm not playing.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
You're missing the game for us?!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
No. I'm missing the game for you.
|
|
|
|
Heather melts. Oz pulls her close. And they kiss.
|
|
|
|
VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
|
|
Okay, okay. You guys got about a
|
|
minute to go. Spend it warming up,
|
|
not making out. This ain't the prom
|
|
yet.
|
|
|
|
Oz and Heather share a smile.
|
|
|
|
INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE - DAY
|
|
|
|
The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing
|
|
"How Sweet It Is." Oz sings with them now in his vocal
|
|
jazz outfit...we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his
|
|
cleats. He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal
|
|
jazz group. They sail through their duet, join hands,
|
|
and finish perfectly. The audience APPLAUDS with
|
|
enthusiasm -- and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND
|
|
CLAPPING, loving it, like they're at a rock concert.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(gives that "You rock!" hand
|
|
sign)
|
|
You fuckin' rule!
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - CLASSROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Class has just ended, students are filing out of the
|
|
classroom. A teacher grades papers in the back of the
|
|
room, routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper.
|
|
Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the
|
|
chalkboard. Kevin comes up next to her.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Hey...
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Did you know that it's...450 miles
|
|
from Ann Arbor to Nashville?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
It's like a six or seven hour drive.
|
|
That's easy, I don't mind driving.
|
|
|
|
A beat. Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the
|
|
inattentive teacher. Moves closer to Vicky.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
About the other day...I've been
|
|
thinking.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
So have I. And I know you want to
|
|
make things perfect for me. And I
|
|
understand that you really wouldn't
|
|
tell me that until you were 100%
|
|
comfortable with it.
|
|
|
|
Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS. She steps
|
|
closer. Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the
|
|
map, fidgeting with it a little.
|
|
|
|
VICKY (CONT'D)
|
|
And I want to make things perfect for
|
|
you. You're right, Kev, we do have
|
|
something good...and special.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah, we have something great, Vick.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Kevin...
|
|
(very close, whispered)
|
|
I want to have sex with you.
|
|
|
|
The map goes FLAPPING upwards. The teacher looks up.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(almost frightened)
|
|
Now?!
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
No...I know the perfect time...
|
|
|
|
She looks to the calendar on the wall...and taps next
|
|
Saturday -- "Prom." Kevin can't believe it...MUSIC UP
|
|
for PRE-PROM MONTAGE --
|
|
|
|
INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is trying on a tux. he shrugs, like it fits well
|
|
enough.
|
|
|
|
He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting,
|
|
trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and
|
|
focused.
|
|
|
|
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to
|
|
Jessica for support, showing it off. Jessica jokingly
|
|
does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if
|
|
she could care.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch sits alone. Not like alone. More like Forrest
|
|
Gump.
|
|
|
|
INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim is paying for his tux. We see Oz trying to decide on
|
|
a cumberbund. There are about ten of them scattered
|
|
around him that he's already tried. In the background,
|
|
an ATTENDANT looks impatient.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY
|
|
|
|
Finch still sits. His head is cocked at a different
|
|
angle.
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (END MONTAGE)
|
|
|
|
Kevin is in his tux. He's staring at himself in the
|
|
mirror.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The parking lot is full. VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED
|
|
STUDENTS make their way into the school. One group piles
|
|
out of a stretch limo. We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a
|
|
bottle of liquor into his tux. A FLUSTERED GUY struggles
|
|
to re-attach his date's corsage.
|
|
|
|
This is the prom.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner.
|
|
Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and
|
|
somebody's bar mitzvah. A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY
|
|
IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.
|
|
|
|
Most students mill about, talking, generally bored. The
|
|
only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY
|
|
DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk
|
|
Stifler in a corner. CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them
|
|
down, futilely.
|
|
|
|
The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD. Couples lock
|
|
together and sway back and forth like zombies.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE
|
|
|
|
They're dancing at arm's length. Jim is not enthused.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
You know, at band camp? We have
|
|
dances like this. Only they're way
|
|
funner. Don't you think prom is just
|
|
highly overrated?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Highly, highly overrated.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY
|
|
|
|
They dance. Both looking a little nervous. Anxious.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER
|
|
|
|
Dancing much slower than anyone else. Tight embrace.
|
|
Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON STIFLER
|
|
|
|
Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - A CORNER OF THE GYM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out. Finch is
|
|
drunk.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Okay. I'm here for your dumb...dumb
|
|
meeting.
|
|
|
|
Sherman passes by.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN
|
|
I'm on the offensive, boys. The
|
|
Sherman Tank is going back in.
|
|
|
|
The guys are impassive. Sherman indicates the Central
|
|
Girl nearby.
|
|
|
|
SHERMAN (CONT'D)
|
|
Locked on target, flying in stealth
|
|
mode under enemy sex radar. Ready to
|
|
drop the payload...again.
|
|
|
|
Sherman confidently walks off.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Alright, how do you guys stand? Well,
|
|
Finch, I know where you are, but you
|
|
can't use that as an excuse. Jim?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
My date's a flute-toting band dork.
|
|
That answer your question?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Oz, how about you and Heather? Now
|
|
you guys are a couple or something?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(getting ticked)
|
|
Dammit, Kevin, what's with the
|
|
attitude?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Attitude? Me? I think that you guys
|
|
should be more enthusiastic. Shit,
|
|
we've been trying to get laid forever,
|
|
and tonight's the night we've been
|
|
waiting for. We're in this together.
|
|
Don't back out on me now!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Back out? You don't need us to get
|
|
laid. You afraid or something?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No, but come on guys, we made a pact!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Kevin, it was just a --
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
It was a pact. You break it and there
|
|
are no excuses. You guys have to --
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(interrupting, pissed)
|
|
I don't have to do shit! Forget it
|
|
already!
|
|
|
|
Kevin is taken aback.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
I'm tired of all this bullshit
|
|
pressure! I mean, I've never even had
|
|
sex and already I can't stand it! I
|
|
hate sex! I don't want it, I've never
|
|
wanted it, and I'm not gonna sit here
|
|
busting my balls over something that
|
|
just isn't that damn important! So
|
|
fuck this stupid pact, fuck you, and
|
|
fuck sex! Now, I'm gonna go hang out
|
|
with that geek over there, 'cause at
|
|
least she's got something else to talk
|
|
about besides sex! God damn!
|
|
|
|
Kevin storms off. A beat.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
At least I learned how to shit in
|
|
school.
|
|
|
|
Jessica approaches. She's dressed well, but not
|
|
lavishly.
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
Hey, Finch. Wanna dance?
|
|
|
|
Finch looks to the guys. They shrug. We FOLLOW WITH
|
|
Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
How come you have no date?
|
|
|
|
JESSICA
|
|
I like to keep my options open. And
|
|
let me just clarify that you have no
|
|
chance of scoring with me, Finch.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
No, of course not, don't be
|
|
ridiculous.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty
|
|
close. You met at that party a while
|
|
back?
|
|
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL
|
|
Yeah, we were up the whole night
|
|
together. We had one of those
|
|
amazingly deep conversations, where
|
|
you really feel like you get to know
|
|
someone.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
(nudge, nudge)
|
|
"Deep conversation," huh? Is that
|
|
what you guys call it?
|
|
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL
|
|
What else would I call it?
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.
|
|
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL
|
|
Excuse me, everyone, sorry to
|
|
interrupt.
|
|
|
|
Her voice reverberates throughout the gym. A couple WOLF-
|
|
WHISTLES.
|
|
|
|
CENTRAL GIRL (cont'd)
|
|
I just wanted to let you all know
|
|
this: Chuck Sherman is a liar. I
|
|
never had sex with him. He's never
|
|
had sex with anyone -- I know because
|
|
he told me. Once, he tried to screw a
|
|
grapefruit, but that's it. Oh, and he
|
|
also told me that sometimes when he
|
|
gets nervous he wets his pants. Thank
|
|
you for your attention.
|
|
|
|
Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON SHERMAN
|
|
|
|
Pissing his pants.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON JIM
|
|
|
|
Shocked. He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.
|
|
|
|
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Kevin still sits there. Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of
|
|
the school. Slowly they walk up to Kevin.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
...Guess what?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I don't care.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's
|
|
is gonna be here soon.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I'm not going.
|
|
|
|
A beat as the guys don't know what to say. Kevin's
|
|
speech is halting, downbeat.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
This isn't how I wanted things to turn
|
|
out. Making the pact wasn't just
|
|
about getting laid. It was about
|
|
doing one last thing with you guys
|
|
before we graduated. But now I've
|
|
just wasted my last few weeks here
|
|
trying to do what? I don't even know.
|
|
All I managed to do was fuck up our
|
|
friendship.
|
|
|
|
A beat. Oz shrugs.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I still think you're okay.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
So do I, Kev.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Me too. For the most part.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Nah. Fuck, you guys are right, I
|
|
don't know what I'm doing. I mean I'm
|
|
acting like I've got it all together
|
|
tonight. But I know Vicky is gonna
|
|
ask me if I love her. And I don't
|
|
know what I'm gonna say. So now it's
|
|
like, maybe I'll just wimp out on the
|
|
whole thing.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Come on man. Tonight is the night.
|
|
We're finally going to a post-prom
|
|
party on the lake. We've been waiting
|
|
to do this for the last four years.
|
|
Why else are we still friends with
|
|
Stifler? You gotta go.
|
|
|
|
A beat as Kevin ponders this.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
And by the way, Sherman didn't even
|
|
get laid.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
He didn't?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Nope. He pissed himself.
|
|
|
|
The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled. THEY are suddenly
|
|
illuminated by the glare of headlights. A charter bus
|
|
pulls in front of the school.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
There it is. I want to grab my bag.
|
|
Oh, and my date.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Come on, Kevin. Vicky's looking for
|
|
you.
|
|
|
|
Jim holds out a helping hand. Kevin looks at it. Grabs
|
|
it, and Jim pulls him up.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan.
|
|
Students are filing out of the charter bus.
|
|
|
|
Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
It reminds me of this one time --
|
|
(changing thoughts)
|
|
Hey, can I ask you a question? How
|
|
come you don't have any stories? I've
|
|
got lots of stories, and you don't
|
|
have any.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Oh, I've got stories, believe me.
|
|
They're a little more risque than
|
|
tales of Band Camp.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Are they gross or something, like guy
|
|
stuff? Tell me.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Okay. You want a story? Here's a
|
|
story. Stifler finds this beer,
|
|
right? And...
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM
|
|
|
|
Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom. A large bay window
|
|
overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
See -- this is the nicest room.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Wow, Kev...it's perfect.
|
|
|
|
Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother
|
|
inside, grinning.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
You guys are gonna fuck, aren't you!?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
No! Get out of here!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
(running out of the room)
|
|
Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!
|
|
|
|
Stiflers brother is gone. They LAUGH...and Vicky closes
|
|
the door.
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz and Heather are walking down the beach. Holding
|
|
hands. Deep in the background, we see kids partying.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
There's something I've been meaning to
|
|
tell you, Heather.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
What's that?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
It's gonna sound really bad, but I
|
|
want you to know.
|
|
|
|
She nods. They stop walking. Oz swipes his feet around
|
|
in the sand.
|
|
|
|
OZ (cont'd)
|
|
See, uh, I'm a virgin. And me, Kevin,
|
|
Jim, and Finch, we all made this pact.
|
|
That we would...lose our virginity...
|
|
before high school was over.
|
|
|
|
Heather is listening.
|
|
|
|
OZ (cont'd)
|
|
And, see, tonight is supposed to be
|
|
the night we all do it.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
This isn't the best way to proposition
|
|
me.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
No, that's not what I mean. I mean --
|
|
look. You know what made me leave
|
|
that game? Coach was giving this
|
|
speech, about not slacking off when
|
|
you see the opportunity to score.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
This isn't any better, Chris.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
No, see Heather, what I realized is
|
|
that...with you, it's not like I'm
|
|
running towards the goal, trying to
|
|
figure out the best way to score. And
|
|
this may sound corny, but --
|
|
|
|
He takes her hand.
|
|
|
|
OZ (cont'd)
|
|
I feel like I've already won.
|
|
|
|
Heather softens, taken off guard.
|
|
|
|
OZ (cont'd)
|
|
And, well, I really care about you. A
|
|
lot. And I want you to know that.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Oz, it's okay, I know.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
You called me Oz.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Well, that's what your friends call
|
|
you. I mean...I feel like I'm one of
|
|
your friends now...and also...your
|
|
girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
Oz seems truly touched.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Dieter. My middle name is Dieter.
|
|
|
|
Heather nods, and speaks pensively.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Hmm. You know that's
|
|
(cracking up)
|
|
really a shitty middle name!
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(laughing)
|
|
I know, it sucks!
|
|
|
|
Through their laughter, they kiss. After a moment, it
|
|
grows more passionate. Lost in each other.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the
|
|
basement is empty. STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner,
|
|
smoking a cigarette. She's as attractive as her photo we
|
|
once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile
|
|
with a bitter smirk.
|
|
|
|
Finch stumbles in.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Ah, Stifler's mom! Thank you for
|
|
letting us have a great party.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
(dry)
|
|
As if there were any alternative
|
|
in the matter. Are you enjoying
|
|
yourself?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
(deadpan)
|
|
I'm so happy for you. Takes the edge
|
|
off, doesn't it? And where might your
|
|
date be?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Oh no, no date. Bathroom incident.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
Pardon me?
|
|
|
|
Finch pauses a moment. He's got an idea.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
...Nevermind. You have anything to
|
|
drink?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
I believe the kegs are upstairs.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
No, no, that's what the cretins drink.
|
|
I mean alcohol, liquor -- good stuff.
|
|
|
|
She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
All right, I got some scotch.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Single malt?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
Aged eighteen years.
|
|
(she gives him a look)
|
|
Why don't you get the glasses. Behind
|
|
the bar.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
It's a great party. Stifler is with a group of guys
|
|
drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before
|
|
every sip.
|
|
|
|
ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE
|
|
|
|
Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
That is a nasty story!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
I told you.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
You wanna hear a nasty story of mine?
|
|
It's kind of sexual.
|
|
|
|
Ding! A light goes off in Jim's head.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Yeah, bring it on!
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Well, this one time? At band camp?
|
|
We were playing this game, I don't
|
|
know if you know it? But it's called
|
|
spin the bottle? And I had to kiss
|
|
this guy named Marc Wander on the
|
|
lips? And...
|
|
|
|
Jim's expression sinks.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The lights are down. Vicky and Kevin are in bed.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You comfortable?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Yeah, are you?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
A beat.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
You sure you're comfortable?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah. Are you sure?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Me too.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Okay.
|
|
(a beat)
|
|
Did you bring a condom?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah, right here.
|
|
|
|
He pulls out a condom. A beat as they contemplate it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
So, do you want to be -- I mean, how
|
|
do you want to do it?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I don't know. How do you?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Like, normal style. The...missionary
|
|
position.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Okay.
|
|
|
|
A moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but -
|
|
|
|
VICKY (cont'd)
|
|
Kevin...
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah Vick?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I want to hear you say it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Okay.
|
|
|
|
Kevin swallows hard. And says --
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
Victoria...I love you.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I love you.
|
|
|
|
They both take a deep breath.
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes,
|
|
surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring
|
|
breeze. Stars and a lustrous moon above.
|
|
|
|
The silence speaks. We can see it in their eyes.
|
|
Yearning.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I can't think of anything to say
|
|
that's not cheesy.
|
|
|
|
HEATHER
|
|
Then don't.
|
|
|
|
They kiss. It's time.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
A brief moment of uncertainty. Kevin shifts around a
|
|
bit, trying to position himself. Vicky's hand goes under
|
|
the sheets.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Here.
|
|
|
|
We know what she's doing. They both maintain eye
|
|
contact...
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion.
|
|
Discovering love. This is the stuff that you thought
|
|
only existed in romance novels. Seriously.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
So, the end of the story is...you had
|
|
to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Yes! And he was such a dork! And
|
|
everyone laughed at me, but I didn't
|
|
care? Because it was so funny!
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
(flat)
|
|
Okay, I get it.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Oh! And then this one time? At band
|
|
camp? I stuck a flute in my pussy.
|
|
|
|
Jim CHOKES on his beer. Michelle considers her
|
|
revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as
|
|
Jim struggles to recover.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
...excuse me?!
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
What, you think I don't know how to
|
|
get myself off? Hell, that's what
|
|
half of band camp is! Sex ed!
|
|
|
|
Jim is ga-ga. He watches in disbelief as she lets her
|
|
hair down. And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE (cont'd)
|
|
So are we gonna screw soon? I'm
|
|
getting kind of antsy.
|
|
|
|
Jim pauses in disbelief. Then --
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy
|
|
basketball hoop falls off the back of the door. They are
|
|
standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room.
|
|
One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs
|
|
from the ceiling, flying in circles.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
This'll do.
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them
|
|
both, it'll desensitize you. I don't
|
|
want you coming so damn early.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Why, uh, what makes you think that I --
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE
|
|
Come on. I saw you on the net. Why
|
|
do you think I accepted this date?
|
|
You're a sure thing!
|
|
|
|
Jim heartily agrees.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler's Mom and
|
|
Finch are smoking cigarettes.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
So...would you object if I said you're
|
|
quite striking?
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM
|
|
Mister Finch -- are you trying to
|
|
seduce me?
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
Yes ma'am, I am.
|
|
|
|
One look between them, and we know it's all over.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on
|
|
their faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers
|
|
your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the
|
|
creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if
|
|
it's really what you ordered. But you don't say
|
|
anything, and you just eat it.
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
|
|
HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:
|
|
|
|
-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.
|
|
|
|
-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.
|
|
|
|
-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.
|
|
|
|
-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside...
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.)
|
|
I had no idea you'd be this good!
|
|
|
|
FINCH (O.S.)
|
|
Neither did I!
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can't
|
|
see them. The room is more trashed than before. And as
|
|
we PAN across the disaster area they've created --
|
|
|
|
JIM (O.S.)
|
|
Are you gonna do what I think you're
|
|
gonna do?
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE (O.S.)
|
|
Don't you want me to?
|
|
|
|
JIM (O.S.)
|
|
Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!
|
|
|
|
MICHELLE (O.S.)
|
|
Okay!
|
|
|
|
We see her...on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And
|
|
then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to
|
|
her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On
|
|
cue, Jim chimes in --
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
|
|
and best!
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it's
|
|
all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like
|
|
one big orgasm anyway.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
|
|
each others' clothing. Exhausted, gasping.
|
|
|
|
And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.
|
|
It swings open. Standing there is Stifler's Little
|
|
Brother. Jaw hanging.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER'S BROTHER
|
|
That was awesome!
|
|
|
|
Jim and Michelle are stunned.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
|
|
|
|
Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera. We can't
|
|
see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC
|
|
MOANING.
|
|
|
|
What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The
|
|
chair falling out of place. And the door opening as
|
|
Stifler walks in. He stops, horrified.
|
|
|
|
STIFLER
|
|
Ugh...oh no...
|
|
|
|
He looks like he's going to barf. Instead, he passes
|
|
out.
|
|
|
|
EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING
|
|
|
|
The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day.
|
|
Various students are passed out here and there.
|
|
|
|
EXT. BEACH - DAY
|
|
|
|
Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful.
|
|
SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.
|
|
|
|
Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe
|
|
to the world.
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
She's gone.
|
|
|
|
He considers this.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Oh my God. She used me.
|
|
|
|
He considers this further. Smiles.
|
|
|
|
JIM (cont'd)
|
|
Wow! I was used! Cool!
|
|
|
|
He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...
|
|
|
|
JIM (CONT'D)
|
|
Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
|
|
to the conquering heroes, hail...
|
|
|
|
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
|
|
the ceiling. Though they're trying to conceal it, we can
|
|
see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking
|
|
through.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
That was a great night.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
A beat.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
I can't believe we just had our senior
|
|
prom.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Yeah, the time went by so fast.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
It did.
|
|
|
|
Another beat.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Kevin, next year...with you in Ann
|
|
Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not
|
|
gonna work, is it.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Don't say that, we can do it somehow.
|
|
It might not be perfect, but --
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
(interrupting)
|
|
No, Kevin --
|
|
(she sits up)
|
|
That's the whole thing, that's what
|
|
I've been realizing. That nothing's
|
|
perfect, that you can't plan
|
|
everything.
|
|
|
|
Kevin thinks this over.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
It is far away...and we'll be on our
|
|
own...meeting new people...
|
|
|
|
A moment as they think this over.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (CONT'D)
|
|
Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
I know.
|
|
(a beat)
|
|
Let's go. Don't you have something to
|
|
tell your friends?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
What?
|
|
|
|
VICKY
|
|
Your little pact. Jessica told me all
|
|
about it.
|
|
(hits him lightly)
|
|
Way to go, Kev!
|
|
|
|
Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.
|
|
|
|
DISSOLVE TO:
|
|
|
|
EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY
|
|
|
|
A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"
|
|
|
|
INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
|
|
|
|
The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin's
|
|
LAUGHING.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(to Jim)
|
|
I guess we'll call you two-ply.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Yeah. So you want double condiments
|
|
on that?
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
No, no that's fine.
|
|
(then, to Kevin)
|
|
So you doing okay?
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(a wistful smile)
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
FINCH
|
|
I'll tell you, I've learned one thing:
|
|
women, like wine, get better with age.
|
|
(a beat)
|
|
Of course, I have no frame of
|
|
reference for this comparison.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
So Oz, you almost made it, huh?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
(smiles)
|
|
I'll just say that we had a great
|
|
night together.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Hang in there, buddy, you'll get
|
|
there.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I know.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Wow. You two really have something
|
|
going, don't you?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
I think we're falling in love.
|
|
|
|
They GROAN. Oz just smiles.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
You know what the coolest thing is?
|
|
This, right now.
|
|
|
|
They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
It's true. I mean, after this,
|
|
everything'll be different.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
After getting laid?
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
After high school.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
Yeah, but we'll still see each other.
|
|
|
|
OZ
|
|
Fuck yeah we will.
|
|
|
|
A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
To the next step.
|
|
|
|
ALL
|
|
To the next step.
|
|
|
|
They all toast.
|
|
|
|
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin is on the phone.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
Hey. I got another question for you.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
|
|
What's that?
|
|
|
|
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
|
|
|
|
Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to
|
|
put the bible back.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN (V.O.)
|
|
Um...I'm sort of wondering
|
|
about...love.
|
|
|
|
We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.
|
|
|
|
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
|
|
That's the next book, Kevin. That's
|
|
the next book.
|
|
|
|
He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had
|
|
for it. Stands up with some new confidence. We FOLLOW
|
|
WITH HIM as he walks out of the library...and enters the
|
|
courtyard, crowded with students. He disappears into
|
|
them as we...
|
|
|
|
FADE TO BLACK
|
|
|
|
ROLL CREDITS
|
|
|
|
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
|
|
|
|
Jim's dad sits across from Jim.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD
|
|
(eyes tearing)
|
|
Son. That's the best damn story I
|
|
ever heard.
|
|
|
|
Jim beams proudly.
|
|
|
|
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
|
|
You know, after I graduated high
|
|
school, my parents let me do some
|
|
traveling...
|
|
|
|
INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY
|
|
|
|
SUPER: "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"
|
|
|
|
A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase,
|
|
carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose. He
|
|
arrives in front of a hotel door. KNOCKS. A BELLBOY
|
|
passes by, noticing the waiter. And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN
|
|
AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.
|
|
|
|
BELLBOY
|
|
(subtitled)
|
|
Another bottle?
|
|
|
|
WAITER
|
|
(subtitled)
|
|
He knows how to treat a woman.
|
|
|
|
The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least
|
|
bit tired, tying on a robe.
|
|
|
|
JIM
|
|
Thanks guys.
|
|
|
|
A pair of arms wraps around him from behind. And --
|
|
Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.
|
|
|
|
NADIA
|
|
Come back to bed, James.
|
|
|
|
Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls
|
|
him back in and closes the door.
|
|
|
|
WAITER
|
|
(subtitled)
|
|
That is one lucky man.
|
|
|
|
BELLBOY
|
|
(subtitled)
|
|
Funny -- I swear I have seen those two
|
|
somewhere before. The boy is some
|
|
sort of dancer.
|
|
|
|
They head off.
|
|
|
|
FADE TO BLACK
|